What One May Find In A Cupboard
by siriuslives394
Summary: A parody. Harry Potter's been missing for 8 years now. Voldemort's over joyed. The others? Not so much. But, just when Hogwarts needs him most, he arrives from a rather unsual place. A one-shot.


A/N: A parody of Harry 'going missing' in the wizarding world

A/N: A parody of Harry 'going missing' in the wizarding world.

What One May Find In A Cupboard

Everyone had to accept it – Harry Potter was gone.

No, he was not coming back. There had been a frantic search for 8 years now, ever since Mrs. Figg spotted Petunia Dursley throwing out Harry's things one morning.

When questioned, the women merely replied, "He was just _gone _from his room one morning." When questioned under _Veritaserum_, the women replied, "After locking him in his cupboard one night, we came back the next morning to have him fix us breakfast, and he was just _gone. _We didn't really look for him though, the ungrateful wretch."

There was a public cry of outrage, how could Harry Potter have been left with such nutter muggles for so long?

The answer was obvious: Dumbledore.

So, to foist the blame on someone, the Ministry promptly sacked the headmaster. His nearest and dearest supported him, but it seemed that the shock of losing his job had unhinged him a bit. He insisted that Harry would come back, but no one would really listen to someone who dressed as a kitty cat every day for a year.

The search was off, Harry was officially declared dead in what should have been his third year of schooling at Hogwarts.

The staff members and Sirius were very upset.

In between the time when Harry went missing and Harry's officially declared deadness, Sirius had escaped from Azkaban, found Pettigrew, and then threw a rat-in-a-bottle, stunned, through Remus's window.

With the new evidence (the rat-in-a-bottle) Sirius was declared free. Yippee.

He vowed to find, and (as was reasonable to assume) save Harry.

Needless to say, he failed.

Meanwhile, the Dark Lord Voldemort was sitting in his plotting chair plotting mean and nasty things. Now with Potter gone, himself revived (and in possession of a very comfortable plotting chair) it was the perfect time to strike!

And what better place than the place _everyone_ expects him to attack?

Hogwarts.

***

The Death Eaters were attacking, and students were running around, sometimes firing a spell or two. Mostly, they were doing things that they'd only do if they were about to die.

You saw Trevor and Neville in a compromising position; Hermione was streaking, holding a flaming book in one hand.

Percy was attempting to hotbox the prefect's bathroom.

Crabbe was reciting poetry to Professor McGonagall in cat form.

Needless to say, it was utter chaos.

Spell after spell was fired at the poor walls of Hogwarts. Then, suddenly, it died down. The students cautiously stuck their heads out of doors, and in the odd case windows – only to have it blown off, mind you.

They couldn't see why the Death Eaters had stopped attacking. Maybe they'd run out of magic? Oh yes, surely they'd be tired by now, after such a steady stream of spells?

Then there was a loud rumbling, and a large part of the wall fell off.

Ah. They were making a _big _spell.

The ground shook all throughout the school. Paintings fell off the walls, doors opened, and people fell off beds.

Suddenly, someone screamed.

"YES!"

Again, this caught the student's attention. Who could be yelling yes at a time like this?

"YES YES YES YES YESSY YES! WOOH!"

The students, again, peered out of doors and windows (and again, a few lost their heads).

Suddenly, those who were looking out of doors and not windows, saw a very dusty Harry Potter running down the corridors. They were shocked.

McGonagall left Crabbe in the middle of a ballad, transfigured, and made her way over to the boy.

"Why, where have you been Mr. Potter? We've been looking for you for 8 years now."

"I've been trapped in a damn cupboard! When the big shake thing came, my door just flew open!"

Stunned and slightly doubtful silence met his revelation.

"A cupboard?"

"Yes! A damn CUPBOARD."

"How in heaven's name did you get there?"

"Hmm…" Harry stroked the beard he had woven himself out of cobwebs, "I'm not quite sure. I woke up and I was just… there."

"I see. What did you eat and drink?"

A slightly maniacal look entered the boy's eyes. "You don't want to know. You do _not _want to know."

By this point in time, the students and teachers had grown bored with the boy, and returned their attentions to their currently doomed predicament.

Harry looked around, looked at the people.

"Where the _hell _am I?"

"Hogwarts," Professor McGonagall replied hurriedly, "Now be quiet, I'm trying not to die." Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Why would you die?" The teacher sighed exaggeratedly and pointed out the window.

"See those people?" Harry nodded compliantly. "They're trying to kill us. They are Death Eaters. Death Eaters are _bad._ And see the red eyed, pasty faced freak in the front?" Harry nodded again. "He's their leader. He's double bad."

"So… red-eyes is bad?" McGonagall nodded. "And he's trying to kill us?"

"Obviously."

"Ah. I see."

Now Harry didn't really _want _to die. After all, he's only been free of the god-be-damned cupboard for twenty minutes now. So, he took matters into his own hands. Glancing at the people around him once, he ran out the door.

Running onto the battlefield, he stopped directly in front of red-eyes. He stuck his tongue out.

Red-eye's red-eyes opened wide with shock.

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!" _You see, Harry had been in a cupboard for 8 years now, he know _anything _about magic. But luckily for him, Sirius, who had just gotten over the shock of his godson emerging from a cupboard, threw himself at Harry, knocking him out of the way.

"See green light?" Harry nodded. "Green light _bad_. Avoid green light."

They promptly avoided another green light.

By now, Harry was very irritated. So, he resorted the simpler means. He threw himself at the man whose eyes widen further, obviously not used to this tactic.

Surprisingly enough, for such a menacing figure, red-eyes was rather weak, physically. Soon enough, Harry was sitting on his chest. He glared at red-eyes, red-eyes glared at him.

Then red-eyes stuck out his tongue.

Oh, that made Harry _really _angry. Harry took his spider web woven beard and smothered the man beneath him.

He died, as would any other human, and a stunned silence fell over the field.

Then the Death Eaters ran away.

People were happy about this.

***

Later, after Harry recalled his story to the masses, he found out that he was a bit uncomfortable spending so much time out of the cupboard.

Because of this, he opted to stay at Hogwarts and live in the cupboard. Sirius decided to stay with him, because he wanted to get to know his godson, and besides, he had many fond memories of Hogwart's broom cupboards.

Harry was happy, the wizarding world was happy, and Voldemort was dead.

So on a fine Sunday after noon, everyone was happy, even Dumbledore, who had been proven right, and could now curl up in a small patch of sunlight contentedly.

A/N: What do you think? Second parody now. ;]

Please review – tell me if it was terrible.


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